Sunday, May 1, 2011

Dear Mama

Dear Mom,
This past 6 years have been the hardest of my life, The day that God took you to be with him my life shattered and I still haven't been able to pick up the pieces. I've tried to be strong, I've tried to move on and pretend I'm okay. I've tried to just be happy and pretend that my children are all I need. I stood strong for daddy when you passed, I have tried to stand strong and for my brothers, for my children, but I must finally admit mom I'm weak. I'm broken, and I've lost the pieces to put me back together. I lost focus on who I was, what I wanted. My focus just stayed on the loss of you. I have cheated my children, I have cheated you. I know that I should be happy that you aren't here suffering anymore but I just can't no matter how hard I try. I always dreamt that you would be by my side watching the mother that I would become. That you could see that the things you taught me didn't go unnoticed, but you aren't here. I don't think you can really see. I don't think I can make you proud. That was always my goal, was just to make you proud Mommy. Mom where do I go from here, what do I do? How do I get past this and try to find those broken pieces? I have prayed to God and I know that He hears my prayers but the pain is still there. The pain hasn't eased, the heartache hasn't healed at all. People say time will heal all, but it's a lie. I don't t think I'll ever stop hurting.  So many things remind me of you, I was at the doctors office and I saw a lady there with her daughter and the mother had cancer. My heart broke all over again, and I started bawling like the day you left us. I look at your photos, and reminisce of the memories and the times that we shared when I was mommy's lil girl. When we were inseparable and where ever you were there I was as well. I have the letters that you wrote me when I was pregnant with Ty, it is so amazing to read them. The love that you put into everyone of them is the love that I miss. I miss lying on  your chest and going to sleep, I miss hearing "hey sissy how are you" I miss you calling me asking me for advice, or us going to play bingo together. Now a days I hate the Name Pam, I almost cringe when I hear it, the reason is because when you were upset at me when I was a child you would call me Pam, so the moment I hear it I relate it to you being upset at me. It seems that I'm still living in a dream, or bad nightmare rather and that one day you are going to show back up here. I know it's not true, as I watched you get sicker and sicker almost by the day, but I guess it's more of a hope. I have 6 beautiful children and I don't want to even experience day to day life with them sometimes when the hurt takes over. That's not normal, it's not good. I have to find a way to overcome this heartache. I know it will never go away, but I have to find a way to quit letting it stop me from enjoying things in life. I find myself envious of other women who have their mothers around, I find that it isn't fair but I really know better. As Mother's Day approaches this year there are advertisements talking about sending mom's flowers, cards, candy, etc. and it is like someone driving the nail even further into my heart. I hope that one day I can really live again, Live like there is no tomorrow and quit allowing this heartache to control my life. Mom, I miss you more than I could ever begin to express to you. I know that you are so much better off and that you aren't hurting emotionally or physically anymore, but I hurt worse than I ever knew that I could. Writing is the only thing I know to do that ever seems to even begin to help and I'm not sure that it really does. I try to fill the void from you with daddy and the boys where I can, I try to be there to support them and help guide them, be that voice of reason. I know that I'm the closest person to you that there is, and they say I am looking more and more like you every day. I don't know if that makes it harder on daddy or not but I do know that daddy is still very much in love with you, he hurts very much as well. Well Mama, It's dinner time here and with the lil ones they aren't very patient when it comes to food, lol, so I better go. I love you mommy, and I miss you soooooo much. I hope to see you again! Big hugs and kisses.


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