Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Learning to Live Again

For as long as I can remember I have tried to be a people pleaser. I tried my hardest to not upset anyone and would die unto self to make others happy. Which according to God dying unto self is a good thing, but when it was detrimental to myself or my children it wasn't a good thing. I have an old friend who for years has had an online presence and she created an online persona and she hid behind that. Recently she has decided to no longer hide behind that persona and it really made me think about if I was true to myself. The answer is no. I do what others want me to do, I have became the person other people think I should be.

So, I must ask myself how do I become true to myself? How do I enjoy life once again? How do I become less stressed?

Those questions remain unanswered but I am doing a lot of soul searching.

The questions I'm asking myself are those as well as: Do I depend on a man to make me happy? Do I  depend on friends to make me happy? I have learned that it is very hard to trust people and I find that is one of my biggest challenges in life. How can I trust when I've been hurt so many times. I built a huge wall when my mama passed away. I was determined to not let anyone over. It was 3 short months and I met Rocky, Fell in love when it wasn't in the cards. He was able to climb over that wall very fast and had captured my heart. I let friends over that wall and they held the knife very tightly as they jabbed it into my back. Rocky helped me with the heartache of loosing my mother, he helped bring joy back into my life and gave me another reason to live. When I lost mom I felt I had lost everything even though I had a precious 4 year old son who meant everything to me. Over the course of 6 years it seems Rocky has climbed back over the wall to the side he started out so now he is no longer on the side closest to my heart. All I have is my children and they are all that I need, or so I have told myself for a long time. I have recently came to realize that I must learn to trust again, I must learn to let people in and a least take that wall down into a smaller structure. I was angry with God for taking my mom. I had so much faith that He was going to heal her. I just knew that He would answer my prayers. I guess I didn't understand at the time that our prayers are answered in His time and in His way.  I was what I considered to be a very faithful follower, very actively involved in church, I had been a youth group leader, worked closely with the leadership of the church, Prayed very often, had faith, helped others, and did the things that I thought I was meant to be doing. I tried to follow God's footsteps, and I thought there was no way that My God would let me down and take my best friend from me. I didn't understand when I thought He had let me down.

In just a few weeks it will be 6 years since Mom has passed and to be honest I still don't understand. I know that He has a reason but I can't honestly say that I have understood nor have I let go of all resentment towards God for taking her. That has caused a huge problem in my relationship with God and I know that I can't fix that until I completely let go and ask for His forgiveness. But how I wonder? I don't have the answer. Maybe by putting it into writing it will help. Maybe someone who reads this will have some insight or some helpful words? Maybe someone will read this and they feel the same way? I honestly don't know why I'm writing this but I know there is a reason. I've got to find a way to start building healthy relationships. Fortunately recently I was able to recognize a few unhealthy relationships that I was nurturing and I was able to remove those people from my life and hopefully God will continue to reveal more of the weeds I need to remove from my garden of life. I don't want to be God's reluctant Daughter any more.
Ok, I have rambled enough, it's dinner time. Ribeye is calling from the refrigerator.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Dear Mama

Dear Mom,
This past 6 years have been the hardest of my life, The day that God took you to be with him my life shattered and I still haven't been able to pick up the pieces. I've tried to be strong, I've tried to move on and pretend I'm okay. I've tried to just be happy and pretend that my children are all I need. I stood strong for daddy when you passed, I have tried to stand strong and for my brothers, for my children, but I must finally admit mom I'm weak. I'm broken, and I've lost the pieces to put me back together. I lost focus on who I was, what I wanted. My focus just stayed on the loss of you. I have cheated my children, I have cheated you. I know that I should be happy that you aren't here suffering anymore but I just can't no matter how hard I try. I always dreamt that you would be by my side watching the mother that I would become. That you could see that the things you taught me didn't go unnoticed, but you aren't here. I don't think you can really see. I don't think I can make you proud. That was always my goal, was just to make you proud Mommy. Mom where do I go from here, what do I do? How do I get past this and try to find those broken pieces? I have prayed to God and I know that He hears my prayers but the pain is still there. The pain hasn't eased, the heartache hasn't healed at all. People say time will heal all, but it's a lie. I don't t think I'll ever stop hurting.  So many things remind me of you, I was at the doctors office and I saw a lady there with her daughter and the mother had cancer. My heart broke all over again, and I started bawling like the day you left us. I look at your photos, and reminisce of the memories and the times that we shared when I was mommy's lil girl. When we were inseparable and where ever you were there I was as well. I have the letters that you wrote me when I was pregnant with Ty, it is so amazing to read them. The love that you put into everyone of them is the love that I miss. I miss lying on  your chest and going to sleep, I miss hearing "hey sissy how are you" I miss you calling me asking me for advice, or us going to play bingo together. Now a days I hate the Name Pam, I almost cringe when I hear it, the reason is because when you were upset at me when I was a child you would call me Pam, so the moment I hear it I relate it to you being upset at me. It seems that I'm still living in a dream, or bad nightmare rather and that one day you are going to show back up here. I know it's not true, as I watched you get sicker and sicker almost by the day, but I guess it's more of a hope. I have 6 beautiful children and I don't want to even experience day to day life with them sometimes when the hurt takes over. That's not normal, it's not good. I have to find a way to overcome this heartache. I know it will never go away, but I have to find a way to quit letting it stop me from enjoying things in life. I find myself envious of other women who have their mothers around, I find that it isn't fair but I really know better. As Mother's Day approaches this year there are advertisements talking about sending mom's flowers, cards, candy, etc. and it is like someone driving the nail even further into my heart. I hope that one day I can really live again, Live like there is no tomorrow and quit allowing this heartache to control my life. Mom, I miss you more than I could ever begin to express to you. I know that you are so much better off and that you aren't hurting emotionally or physically anymore, but I hurt worse than I ever knew that I could. Writing is the only thing I know to do that ever seems to even begin to help and I'm not sure that it really does. I try to fill the void from you with daddy and the boys where I can, I try to be there to support them and help guide them, be that voice of reason. I know that I'm the closest person to you that there is, and they say I am looking more and more like you every day. I don't know if that makes it harder on daddy or not but I do know that daddy is still very much in love with you, he hurts very much as well. Well Mama, It's dinner time here and with the lil ones they aren't very patient when it comes to food, lol, so I better go. I love you mommy, and I miss you soooooo much. I hope to see you again! Big hugs and kisses.